Friday, 11 May 2018

The WORST dates I've ever been on

Dating isn't something I've ever spoken about on my blog. Not for any particular reason, possibly as I've been in a relationship for 4 years, the -brutal- dating scene has become a distant memory...but when I put together this 'date night' style outfit, I thought it would be the ideal time to have a chat about it, and specifically my first date disasters - I have many!

I'm not going to make this about dating when you're plus size because thats a WHOLE other blog post which I could rant about for hours. I've had to endure dates with the fetishy guy, the in the closet re liking chubs guy, the guy that told me I was 'fatter than he remembered' LOL. So yeah, maybe I'll save that for another day. For today, I'm going to tell you a few harrowing tales from my dating past.

Let's call the first guy... Mike. I met Mike through a mutual friend who had told me he was VERY keen to take me on a date. I didn't find Mike attractive but thought I'd go out with him as attraction can grow and all that. On first messaging him, it became immediately apparent that Mike was the 'very intense' guy. He showered me with compliments (which I generally don't like if its constant) and was just a bit OTT, but I didn't want to be rude and bail on him so I arranged to go on a date with him. We decided to meet in central London at a train station, and let me tell ya, when I spotted his shoes from afar I wanted to run. I wanted to actually R U N. I wouldn't say I'm 'materialistic' but I'd say I like men that dress well, and Mike wasn't one of those men. He had weird looking walking boots on. I'm talking huge, clumpy, mud-clad outdoorsy kinda boots, plus BOOTCUT JEANS, a shark-tooth necklace (definitely acquired on his Gap Yah) and had his umbrella hooked onto his back pocket. First impressions are a big deal aren't they? So anyway, we went to a cute wee bar and got a bottle of wine. 

Mike spent the night probing me about every single facet of my life whilst I got very drunk. I honestly had to, we had nothing at all in common, but I didn't want to bail on him so I listened to his 8 million stories about building toy airplanes. Ok, so you're probably thinking hmm that sounds like a shit date, but nothing to harrowing, right? WELL. Mike swoops in for a kiss and catches me off guard so I literally coughed a bit of my wine into his mouth and he just kept on going. Acted like nothing had happened whilst I was completely mortified. I had just COUGHED WINE INTO ANOTHER PERSONS MOUTH. I had nothing else to say after that, so we got on the train together - him living two stops after mine - and I pretend to fall asleep. Except, poor tired me DOES fall asleep and when I start to wake up... Mike has pulled me into his chest and is kissing my head telling the couple infront of us that we've just been out for our 1 year anniversary, that we are wildly in love and planning on starting a family..... I'm sorry, what? We had met a few hours ago for the first time.  I honestly cannot tell you how awkward it was hearing someone I had just met lie like that right infront of me?! What could I do in that situation?! I was very drunk and very very confused! So when the couple get off the train I 'wake up' and move as far over in my seat away from him as humanly possible and he says things like 'this has been the best date I've ever been on', 'I can't wait for all of the adventures we'll go on together', 'I can't wait to wake up beside you every morning'. No thanks creepy Mike! It's safe to say that I never spoke to him again. I worry that he maybe still stalks my insta so if you're reading this Mike, I'm sorry but it was a one of the worst dates I've ever been on.

Next we have... Dave. I was really into Dave! Handsome, Australian, very talented and driven. But I found it really weird how Dave didn't have ANY social media apps.  He initially told me that it was because he had a 'psycho ex-girlfriend' - alarm bells certainly started ringing then, but still I didn't think too much of it. He also didn't drive which wasn't really an issue, but I remember he had mentioned previously that he had had a car, but now didn't have a need to own one. But, he seemed just that wee bit too secretive. So, Dave comes to stay over at mine on maybe our 3rd or 4th date, all is going well until we go to order a pizza. I go to take his card out of his wallet to order and to my ultimate confusion the name on the card isn't Dave, It's Gary. So I say 'Dave, why do you have a bank card for someone called Gary in your wallet?' Dave was like 'Thats odd, really not sure, anyway I should head off now', he made up some BS excuse and left pretty quickly. So I google this new name... Gary Smith and LOW AND BEHOLD. Good ol' Gary had driven his car into someones house drink driving, and decided to give me an actual SYNONYM so I wouldn't find out about it!  The things men do to hood wink women actually blows my mind. After that he supposedly moved back to Australia, possibly to reinvent himself with a shiny new name. 

Lastly we have...Sam. Now, this is a relatively short story because we literally saw each other twice and I'm not sure you could call them 'dates' LOL, but I thought it was worth mentioning, because holy wow, it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life! So, Sam and I met on a night out when my pal got with his pal who she already knew. We all went back to Sam's house for a few drinks, and although I'd say I wasn't completely sober, I wasn't really drunk either. So after a few hours, we were laying beside each other and Sam looks at me really seriously and says 'Chloe please look at me, this is important. I love you'. We had known each other for a maximum of 3 hours. 3 HOURS. So he's looking at me expectantly, and me, being the naive 19 year old knob that I was and not knowing how to get out of this situation says: 'Umm.. I love... you too?'. Wow, what a mistake. He spent the next hour saying it to me every 30 seconds. Even when I went to the loo I could hear him shouting 'I LOVE YOU!' When I left he bombarded me with messages saying he loved me. I saw him again the following night and it was the exact same story. UNTIL, he went out the following night and hilariously I found out that he had now moved on, and proclaimed his love for another girl. Wow. Cheers Sam, thought you'd fallen in love with me after 3 hours, but clearly I wasn't all that special! 

I'd love to know your worst dating stories too! Let me know over on instagram! 

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